On being a long-distance grandfather
At 72 years old I still find myself employed, working as a retirement coach helping people to cross the bridge from their work life to a happy, fulfilling retirement.
Not surprisingly, many of my clients are grandparents like me. I have three grandchildren aged four, nine and 12.
Now here’s the twist. The youngest grandchild lives in Sydney as I do. But the two older grandchildren live in Portugal with their parents, making me a long-distance grandfather.
But before discussing long-distance grandparenting, with all its trials and joys, let me begin by talking about grandfathering in general. Some children have deep and loving memories of their grandfathers, while for others their grandfathers died early so there was no chance to form a close bond.
My trajectory as a child was the latter – unfortunately for all parties concerned – hence it’s no surprise that I would dearly love my grandchildren to have strong memories of me. This leads to an obvious question.
Given my situation, will I struggle to build and maintain relationships with my grandchildren in Portugal? In general, are long-distance grandfathers at a disadvantage to local grandfathers? The answer must be an equivocal “it depends”. This is because of the way in which quantity and quality interact to provide answers.
Here is one thing I do know. What is true for long-distance grandfathers is also true for local grandfathers. You can choose to be remote from grandchildren, taking a more old-fashioned approach, or you can engage with them when you meet. My approach has been the latter. However, that is not the end of it.
I still sometimes ask myself: What am I missing? There are obvious things such as regularly taking them to the movies and spoiling them for a short period of time. At a deeper level, I miss the opportunity to spontaneously catch up with them. That said, I still feel positive in my role and have some learnings to share.
Here are some techniques to making the most of a long-distance relationship. First and foremost, make the effort to take a holiday to where they live. It’s a great experience to see them in their daily lives, going to school, meeting their friends and enjoying family occasions. Then you can extend that holiday and visit other locations that attract you. For this to happen, it’s important to budget for travel. Also encourage their parents to bring them to visit you – as often as feasible.
Use Facetime, WhatsApp or Zoom video conversations as often as possible, bearing in mind that they might not be free to talk with you, especially if there is an inconvenient time difference. In my case, Portugal is 11 hours behind during our summer. You can get creative by having both parties play the same game or share an activity on screen that has been agreed to in advance.
Don’t ignore the written word, either in the old-fashioned way with envelope and stamp or as an attachment in an email to their parents. I write regularly to my grandchildren discussing a range of topics such as spelling in the English language, describing members of our extended family, friendship and all its vicissitudes, dealing with mean people and why reading is important.
The latter is very dear to my heart. I have written a book series called Worcester Glendenis Kid Detectiveabout a 12-year-old wannabe private detective. He’s an expression of my lifelong passion for the written word that I am hopefully passing on to my grandchildren.
Never forget to send presents for birthdays and Christmas – and ensuring they arrive on time. Remember, sending presents via overseas mail can be fraught – I even got a present sent back by the Portuguese postal service. However, Amazon usually has an online store in each region and it’s easy enough to have presents delivered.
Two final thoughts on long-distance grandfathering. Talk to other long-distance grandfathers to get their perspectives. You may pick up some good ideas as you share your thoughts. And you’ll be surprised just how many there are of us.
If you can’t fight ‘em, join ‘em. Your child has chosen to live overseas with your grandchildren (or maybe you decided to live away from your child). Either may change, but it’s a situation you must accept. As they say in poker, make the most of the cards you’ve been dealt. It’s not always easy, but it’s your reality.